Dear Annie: extended engagement
DEAR ANNE: I am engaged. I have been for six years (I know, I know), but we are actually planning to get married in a few months. I’m in love with her, but I don’t know if letting go of my feelings is how I want to live the rest of my life. I always feel like she puts other people’s feelings before me, like it doesn’t matter how I feel as long as the other person is okay.
She also has adult children who don’t like it when I correct them. (We all live together.) She makes me feel wrong for wanting them to be responsible or to make positive changes.
Finally, I would like to be more active, adventurous and social, and she just isn’t like that. So should I settle down and potentially enter an unhappy marriage? Or is it really not that bad? – Cold feet
DEAR COLD FEET: Each of these complaints deserves its own discussion with your wife and a couples therapist. You must respond to your concerns before tie the knot.
If you mean it when you say you’re in love with her, then I believe you can both find a way to communicate so that 1. You feel heard and seen by your wife; 2. You come to an agreement on when and how you offer counseling to his children; and 3. You find an outlet for adventure and activity, either with your wife or with another friend.
If after therapy you don’t agree on these issues, maybe you’d better build a life with someone more compatible. Better to learn this lesson before saying “yes”.
DEAR ANNE: I was in a very happy relationship with someone I thought was the love of my life. I met him when I was 20. In the beginning, we were so in love, happy and happy with each other.
After the first year is when it started to go wrong. He started doing drugs and got very sneaky around who he was. Sometimes he would get so drunk and forget who I was and put his hands on me. The next day, he still apologized and swore he would never do it again. I would believe it.
I then caught him cheating on me multiple times after checking his cell phone. He always said it was his friend or something, and I always believed him. I always took him back because I was in love with him.
A few months ago, he started acting very sleazy and hid his phone all the time. One night I caught him looking at pictures of this girl “Samantha”, and I asked him about it. He said, “Why are you so worried? You know you’re the only one for me. Again, I chose to ignore it.
Two months ago, he dumped me. I still haven’t gotten over him or what he did to me after three and a half years. He just didn’t want me and started dating Samantha right after we broke up. Now, at 24, I’m very depressed and I can’t get rid of him. My question is, do you think he ever liked me at all? — Stuck on my ex
DEAR STUCK: My heart breaks for you. No one deserves to be treated the way they treated you. It is important to remember that you are not responsible for his behavior.
I recommend that you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 to seek help for the abuse you have experienced.
As for your question – “Has he ever loved me?” “I’m not a telepath. Instead, I’ll leave you with the wisdom of motivational speaker Tony Gaskins: “Love doesn’t hurt you. A person who does not know how to love hurts you. Don’t twist it.
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